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“Losing My Religion”

As I was driving thru town today, on my way to visit a friend, I caught a radio interview of the band R.E.M. In the midst of this interview, the radio host asked, “as a band, when did you realize that your music made it BIG?”.  A couple of the band members chuckled and recalled traveling in the Middle East sitting down for dinner at a restaurant and they heard their song “Losing My Religion” begin to play over the speakers and suddenly the empty dance floor filled with young people dancing and singing along.

Music has a way of conjuring up swift memories of who, what, and where we were in life, and I was in my second year of University when this song came out.  As I sang along today in my car, I began to recognize how relevant the lyrics of this song, feels soooooo relevant RIGHT NOW.  For so many of us, our upbringing within any religion is often presented as a finite thing.  Something stable to cling to, when all else is chaos, return to your “roots”, your religion.  However, the introduction of the computer age and technology brought with it, many questions and new challenges to ponder and consider.  As our giant world has swiftly grown smaller through the internet, we have become accustomed to information overload and identifying more and more as global consumers and therefore, global citizens more than ever before. . . and yet, we have done so, for the most part, from the comfort of our own homes.

When I first heard the song and read along the lyrics of “Losing My Religion”, I was always left with an unsettled feeling and often spent time thinking “what the heck are they saying?”  I wanted answers, concrete thoughts/beliefs to say were good/bad.  How can I have peace in the midst of uncertainty?  In some ways, I always had a strong dislike for that song.  What occurred to me today, was that there were teens in the Middle East also connecting to the music and words of that song, all those years ago.  Crazy isn’t it?  There were teens on the other side of the world, of different Religions/Faiths who were also experiencing similar thoughts and feelings as I, shared in this very song.

It all left me wondering…  Is a shared sense of Un-Rest enough grounds for commonality from which to build peaceful resolution?

December 29, 2016 0 Comments

Getting to the Root Fear/Issue

My daughter who is off to University this year, sent me this beautiful  message…

Mom, here is a comic that summarizes what you do (I think).

What Fear Said

November 1, 2016 0 Comments
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I forgive you, but…

As a parent of two children, there are countless hours within the family life where one child has hurt the feelings of their siblings, stolen something, eaten their candy, touched them when they told them “no”, stayed in their space when they are trying to be alone, and the stories go on and on. I began to hear countless approaches of parenting to try and instill “Forgiveness” and unfortunately, I found many of these attempts to be forced. The most typical (and my chosen course of action) was telling (not inviting) one child to apologize to the other.  Something about my approach always left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Whenever I had personally experienced very real moments of forgiveness, as receiver or giver, it was never forced. Forcing doesn’t allow a person to experience their true emotions in the moment. So we began telling our kids, “when you feel like it, it would be great if you could forgive your brother”. Well, we all know they go on and forget and I wasn’t satisfied with the lack of empathy it seemed to inspire within my children. Nor did it allow the victim to have their feelings or voice heard.

I heard of people forcing their kids to hold hands, or being taped together, etc; until an apology was given and accepted. But I saw this as only teaching my kids to stay in an unhealthy situation, one that was not expressing love or mutual respect. Not to mention the stubbornness of most children could leave a parent waiting for an hour or so, and in those moments of desperation in trying out one of these scenarios, it became clear that the misery had expanded to include another person.  ME!  I witnessed my own kid squirm her way out of the “forced forgiveness” by making fishy lips and giggly saying please forgive me, pls,pls pls…”. While this lightened the tension in the room and allowed everyone to go about their business, I recalled too many moments where humor was an escape from the very real emotions or repeated offences in my own life. Eventually, bitterness or resentment will take over and no one would believe your apologies when humor is your catalyst.

After a good discussion with my husband, he suggested that we teach the kids to say “I FORGIVE YOU, BUT IT’S NOT OKAY”. This was great! This statement allowed the immediate victim to be heard and express what words or actions were hurtful (and as children do, they always spoke the latter half quite firmly and loudly) and “I forgive you” was usually expressed with tenderness. There were MANY times the kids required Nathan and I to say the same to them or to one another. No surprise there, to realize it was still not easy to say at times even as grown-ups.

What I really have appreciated, is it has allowed us to address the issue at hand. Oftentimes, this statement opened up short conversations about respecting someones wishes, their space, the word “no”, someone’s feelings (even if it doesn’t make sense to you or you would re-act differently). Like so many confrontations where we offend one another back and forth, we got in the practice of running this statement thru for each offence within that particular exchange or fight. I like to think, it has allowed the kids to have great self-awareness for their actions, their words, and their thoughts. I have often wondered if this statement would prove as fruitful an exercise in our schools? and perhaps even at work?

March 29, 2016 0 Comments
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Shifting views

A single view is a narrow view, an obstructed view, a view of single pointedness… and while it is the truth of the one who is sharing, it will never produce the whole picture, the entire experience or “experiences” of all involved and will eventually leave us wanting for more.  More understanding.  More empathy.  More hope.  More love.  More awareness.  More possibility.  There has to be an other way!  An other’s VIEW!  A view outside of myself, my perspective, my surroundings.  Eventually you become claustrophobic if you think your surroundings, your life, your experiences are all there is?

My AMAZING hairdresser, shared with me one day, that she had a young lady come in, who had never been to the neighbouring town of Brights Grove only a 20-30 minutes drive outside of town.  This was unacceptable!  So my friend arranged to take the young lady on this adventure the very next day.  We currently reside in Sarnia, ON. on the St. Clair river at the mouth of Lake Huron.  The scenery changed drastically enough on the north end of town that the young girl inquired, “Is this Brights Grove?”  This is when my friend realized, she had never even traveled to the other end of town.  Now I don’t mention this to bring shame upon the young lady or her caregivers.  I simply forgot, that not everybody lives as I do.  My world expanded into that young girls life experience and left me reflecting for days!  If you never stepped outside of your neighbourhood and local shops, the images you would find on the internet of far away places might have no reality to them.  They might as well be made up worlds and far away lands of movie screens and science fiction if you have never physically witnessed a different landscape!  The first time I saw a “cow pie” I laughed uncontrollably for like 10 minutes!  A)  Cows are giant!  B)  Their poops are giant!  C) the phrase “cow pie” suddenly had very real meaning to me!  Oh My Gah, I still laugh just remembering. . .

If you have traveled, can you recall your firsts? First time seeing the ocean, or Great Lakes, climbed a mountain, or got lost in the woods?  Hell, I remember the first time I stayed at someone else’s house for an overnight!  My home smelled different, our food, our furniture and our daily routines were different. We forget the many emotions, thoughts, and beliefs that were blown wide open or brought into our worlds in these quick moments.  So easily, I had forgotten.  So readily, I have judged the viewpoints of those who have never seen more of the world.  How could they not feel certain of their experiences and beliefs?  I feel just as certain, having seen and explored different landscapes, and even different parts of town.

A wonderful group of people recognized and addressed the need for broadening students perspectives and experiences through a program called STREAM in St. Louis.  They took inner-city kids into Nature, on overnight camp trips, ropes courses, the importance of changing your clothes after hiking all day in order to stay warm at night and to learn and then teach other kids how to make candles, build a fire, work with leather, etc;  These were definitely not a part of your average “city dweller’s” experiences.  The purpose was not to say that country/rural life is the way, rather to open our eyes to OTHER ways of VIEWING and SEEING the world.  As a result many of us experienced for the first time, fear of heights, fear of the dark?  (did you know it is much darker in the woods at night than in the city?) I remember attending University in the rural rolling hills of Southern Iowa and I couldn’t sleep for 3 weeks because it was too quiet.  I literally had a greater fear of someone or something jumping out to get me behind every bush and tree that first month than I ever felt walking home at night in my neighbourhood alone.  We judge each other this way, and think it is so much more dangerous or better where you live and how ridiculous YOUR FEARS are and how MY FEARS make sense!  These ideals break down into our marriages, our working relationships, national politics and international diplomacy!

To further this personal inquiry I’d encourage you to view this eloquent TEDx talk from an amazing Story-teller!  How could we take her wisdom and strategize to make our life and the lives of others richer and more abundant?  Where is your life story, one-dimensional?  What fears arise within you if you were to consider exploring the literature of another religion? the foods of an other culture? a full days work of one of your employees or your boss?

January 18, 2016 0 Comments
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The Great Apple Eater!

There once was a prophecy that spoke of a day and age when ALL would easily offend and be offended and bring humanity to the brink of total extinction!  Except by the salvation of the coming of the great Apple-Eater!

It all began with little Adam.  Adam was a bright boy, no older than 3.  It was a beautiful bright day, the sun was providing the right amount of warmth upon the skin, as the breeze came in perfect intervals to cool the body to “just right”.  Now Adam was playing with his sisters in the middle of a great field near their home eating the apples their parents provided as snacks so that they may easily extend their time of play outdoors.  Having eaten an apple it would come of no surprise that little Adam suddenly had to pee.  There was certainly no time to make it home to the bathroom, so little Adam just took advantage of this perfect day to step a little farther away from where he and his sisters were playing and peed in the middle of the field.  It felt sooooo good to relieve himself, but even more, to do so freely right under the warmth of the sun.  A wide grin fell across his cherub little face…

Suddenly a wave of voices arose from the near-by apartments and homes, but they were so far away, that little Adam just continued relieving himself as the voices were just background noise and certainly too far away to relate to him?  Just as he finished, he saw several adults running towards him eyes bulging, arms flailing, and they were running!  ADULTS WERE RUNNING!!!  His neighbors, the Finches, the Bus driver, the local butcher, everyone!!!  Oh this was so exciting, as children rarely see grown-ups running!  Little Adam began to run toward them, the whole village was coming out to play!!!  when suddenly the first adult reached him, and swiftly grabbed him by the arm swinging him firmly around screaming what a naughty boy he was, and how dirty for peeing in public!  They began covering him with their own sweaters and clothing with great rage as if to quickly cover up this mistaken-naked-peeing-in-public-incident.  Suddenly it was dark and Adam could barely breathe through the coverings, and he was very scared and confused.

“He exposed himself, to the whole world?”  – said a local celebrity

“He’ll know better, once his parents deal with him”  – spoke a judge

“I would never encourage my child to do such a thing!”  – said a young entrepreneur

Adam, began to weep as he was tossed back n forth within the crowd… frightened of what would happen to him.  But no one heard him, and still, the crowd roared on, saying. . .

“How dare you grab that child?”  – said a battered wife

“What was he thinking?”  – said the philosopher

“He ate an apple!  It’s not his fault!”  – spoke a priest

“He just fertilized the plants!”  – said a farmer

Adam quickly realized, the crowd no longer even cared where he was or what he was doing, so he quietly removed their coverings of clothing and began to whittle his way out of the crowd back to his sisters.  But they too began to yell at him,

“Adam, you are so embarrassing!”

“Look at this mess YOU made!”

“Mom and Dad are gonna kill you…and it’s not my fault if you end up dead!

Adam’s head dropped, tears streaming down his face and he didn’t even understand what happened… or why he needed to be afraid?  All he knew was that whatever he did, turned out to be, not what he expected, over and over and over, again and again.  His heart filled with emotions and feelings he didn’t even have names for and all he knew was that he desperately wanted to help everyone get back to enjoying their day and playing in the sun.  He thought, “Mom and Dad always ask me to admit what I have done!  And when I do, they smile, forgive me and thank me for admitting it and then we all feel better and go back to whatever it was we were doing.”

So little Adam, grabbed another apple and climbed the highest mountain, which turned out to be a little hill of rubble from recent construction in the garden.  He held the apple into the air and yelled,

“Listen to me, all who would hear!  I did partake of the apple!  It made me have to pee!  I therefore had to strip down naked so that I could relieve myself!  It felt wonderful to be naked in the sun!  I thought you were coming to join me in the light, but you told me I was naked, and you covered me, you were angry disappointed and I became scared and upset. After that, I don’t know what happened.  But, I do know this. . .


November 24, 2015 0 Comments
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Why “I told you so” & how to stop.

During my morning meditation I acknowledged a fleeting thought that had popped up in conversation the last few days, and this common thread showed up through clients, shows, and my own mouth…Yep!  “I told you so!”

So I reflected and meditated on this statement.  Initially, when using this phrase in the past, I feel an immediate sense of vindication.  I was right, I observed what was happening, I recognized the cycle, I tried to be kind and warn you, but you didn’t want to hear it or change your behaviour.  And so, I laid in wait for the day when ruin would come to you in this manner and would say, verbally or non-verbally, “I told you so!”  Usually, with a glare and lips pursed in rage or frustration.  In some cases, I feared your choices would affect me, our relationship, our well-being, our security, finances, our parenting, our business decisions.  In other cases, I feared your choices would affect you negatively and I am trying to control your behaviour or outcomes.   I like to fool myself into thinking I do so out of love, but truthfully it is out of fear and I am just trying to manipulate or control you so that I may be relieved of this impending doom, pressure or embarrassment. Ha!  I bet you thought this title meant the receiver of “i told you so’s” is chastised.  Well, yes, but those of us who speak those words are also bound and chastised.

What occurred to me this morning is  “When I was WARNING YOU of the natural consequences of your actions or lack of action, I was perhaps, PROPHESYING over you, YOUR FAILURE” ; rather, I am speaking into your life that you will fail.  But I am not God, and even if I was, God gave you agency to choose!  So what I have just spoken to you is truthfully just a possible choice with a possible outcome. But, I spoke of it as if it were a binding contract and when you dismissed me or walked away, I believed in that moment, that you just signed the dotted line and agreed in that moment to fail.  And so I wait . . .

. . . I wait for the fulfillment of this prophesy, or contract of failure . . .and when that moment or day comes I will say or think, ” I told you so!”

. . . and when I say “I told you so”, I am agreeing to be chastised by your actions and I take on your failure (you know, the one I declared on your behalf) and in that moment I decide that I failed you as a friend, lover, brother/sister, employer, coach, etc; and then wait for the next go around.  Unless, of course, you or I decide to break this cycle.

My natural request to Spirit this morning was, how do I stop this?

Forgive them. Forgive yourself for doing the exact same things (on both sides of the fence). And then go write about it!   And so, I did.

November 17, 2015 0 Comments
Positive-Opposite blog

What’s your Positive Opposite?

In most of my yoga classes, I introduce the idea of setting an intention for your day or your time on the mat as a balancing act, or an act of bringing balance into your life.  I invite students to quiet themselves with a few deep, grounding breathes and then to bring their awareness to the top of their heads and begin a body scan, from head to toe to gain an overall sense of how they are doing or feeling?  If they are experiencing any annoyance, discomfort, pain, frustration, etc; then they are instructed to look for the  “Positive Opposite” to set their intention.

I may have come into class having had an argument with a co-worker or loved one and am steeped in anger or defeat… Some days, my positive opposite may be just needing to laugh really hard as a way to be reminded not to take myself or others too seriously.  Other times, that same type of argument, brought up a similar emotional state but required instead the need for “peace and quiet”.  The beauty of balance, is that it doesn’t require an issue to be solved, especially if that issue requires two parties to fix it thru agreement.  But what Balance does provide, is a different energy with which to approach that same problem and further more, with an invitation of exactly what is most needed to assist your part of the equation.

We’ve all been there…  Once you have identified your “positive opposite” it is good to marry it with your breath.

  • First deep breath invites that intention into your thoughts. As a result, you may have more peaceful thoughts, for example.
  • Second breath invites it into your emotions, allowing you to experience your guiding thoughts for peace and quiet.
  • Third breath invites that intention into your physical body, which usually triggers muscles to relax or soften, and tells the nervous system to release the stress cycle and even further it may be the statement that gives you permission to step out for a moment, physically out of the space of contention in order to more fully appreciate what you need most right now. . . peace and quiet.

This practice can also be used to help further expand your positive experiences too!  If you came in feeling great, then what intention can you invite into your day to help further your personal or work goals?

Identify it, invite it, breathe it in and embody your POSITIVE OPPOSITE!

October 5, 2015 0 Comments

@ Source Mart?

I walk through the aisles and choose what foods, toiletries, clothing, etc; I need and yet somehow I think God can’t fill my personal orders???  Do we understand how silly this is?

It’s a Friday night, the end of your work week and you are exhausted ready to snuggle in with a movie and a fluffy blanket.  But to make your evening and self-care just right you are preparing a special meal or treat that would just make the world “right”.  . . only to discover you are missing a very specific ingredient or desired food!   ARGGghhh!   So how does this story usually play out for you?

  1. You couldn’t even figure out WHAT it was you were craving, but you know you could really use something?  Hmmmm???  But you are too tired just trying to figure it out so you give up.
  2. You know exactly what you want, but you are already entertaining the struggle of whether or not it is worth the money, worth the effort or should you just suck it up and settle for something at home.
  3. You know exactly what you want, but are too lazy to go get it … and then carry on about how nothing ever goes your way, how no one is ever there when you need them, and if people would only wake up to how amazing you are, they would just know what you needed and give it to you! Yadda  yadda . . .
  4. You send a loved one (poor innocent victim) to the store to hunt down what you need expecting they will magically figure out what you could not … and we are often disappointed in their choices (Am I right? I’m right aren’t I?)

Hopefully, you can giggle at the reality of some of these scenarios and relate to one or a few.  Now what if we played out this same scenario but instead of a snack or meal we are struggling to find satisfaction in a relationship, our career/work, or meeting our basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter and feeling content with what we have.   There are a lot of possible root issues or necessary changes trying to surface from your inner-wisdom and telling you something is a-miss or out of balance.  I would venture to guess that one of the above choices or perhaps one not mentioned here, could potentially reveal something about yourself?  About how you relate with others?  About your decision making?  What are the outcomes like?  If they aren’t a win/win for all involved, what needs to adjust in order to make it a success for all involved?

I try to remind myself, the Creator/Creation has much deeper pockets, wider reach, and far more connections that I could ever imagine!

October 4, 2015 0 Comments
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Dissonant Intuition

Dissonance is a strange thing.  When we experience it within a song it is when two notes directly next to one another are played together.  Oftentimes, for new instrumentalists or singers it is also what we experience when we are singing or playing a little off key.  When we recognize being off key, we are then able to adjust just a little, in order to be on key.  With practice, one learns to adjust quickly to regain the intended note, melody, or harmony.

Growing up as a Christian the concept of evil or the Devil was introduced into my scope of understanding the world.  You could say he wreaked havoc on the world and was the creator of dissonance or dis-harmony. I was taught that Satan was a liar and deceiver of truth. While my belief around Satan has shifted away from a specific person/being to more living out of our own decisions, this general description stuck.  I remember meditating on the concept of evil as a liar or deceiver of truth particularly in regards to healing.

At the time, my husband served as a Hall Director for a men’s dormitory which required our working and living on campus.  Something I observed while living on campus, was that so often students would justify “negative actions” by hanging on to a shred of truth or true/positive intention that had been twisted just enough to wreak havoc in their lives or the lives of others.  For example, college age students are such passionate creatures and when they feel very strongly about a cause or issue, they have this ability to focus intently and pull their resources together to accomplish whatever it is they put their hearts/minds to.  I am eternally grateful, as I recognize so many significant changes come about in our cultures as a result of this passionate energy.  However, this unbridled energy can sometimes lead to negative destruction in the pursuit of peace, positive revolution and change. EX:  spray painting “Freedom of Speech, NOW!” on someone else’s property who may have a different point of view.  That would be little different from stamping the word “no bullying” on someone’s forehead at a “no bullying” rally.   I had witnessed this good intentioned cycle repeat, year after year. The means to an end gets lost sometimes when we continue to allow our actions to be ruled by our emotions.

So I continued this psych experiment on myself and began to study things I was told to “stay away from (because it’s dangerous or sinful) and look for the thread of truth hidden, wrapped up, covered, or concealed in lies and justifications both personal or religious.  This proved to be a very fruitful exploration.  . . .

I recalled a conversation with a church-member about anger and ,as a 12 year old, I walked away from that conversation believing that to experience and feel anger was sinful and that it could even make me sick. I rejected the emotion, anger, from that day forward to the best of my ability. I simply found other words, adjectives, emotions that never seemed to really express how I felt when truthfully I was angry, pissed off, enraged even and yet, refused to honor those very real emotions for fear of being ungodly.  To make matters even AWESOMER (cuz, that is a word folks!) I even packed those emotions in a box, with a red bow of righteous pride and do-goodery (another for real word) ;)on top!   Look how good I am, how patient, understanding, and what a good Christian – Meanwhile seething under my skin, ill with discontent, and rarely feeling heard or understood.

I now appreciate anger as a natural emotional response to certain situations but when I harbor anger, I recognize how decisions become clouded in judgement.  The thread of truth is that anger could lead me to many negative choices and a life of misery IF I hold onto it.  A lie I adopted from that conversation, was that anger in and of itself is evil/bad/sinful.  Furthermore, as a way to justify my choices and this long-held belief, I judged others as less spiritual than I for acting out in their anger which was counter to this belief.

If we reflect on this understanding of concealed truth, and apply it to music or tones.  Then dissonance could be described as an almost harmony.  It is the closest thing to harmonizing, but has some element that has thrown it off course just enough to cause discomfort, an unpleasing sound, or annoyance within us.  In the past, I would have said my intuition was telling me to reject this unpleasantness and cast it out as far away from me as possible!  Instead, as I began to draw closer and observe the many dissonant experiences in my life, I became quicker at recognizing the subtle truth in a statement or unpleasant situation and practiced releasing the stories I compounded the situation with.  We do this a lot!

Example: One evening after the baby sitter arrived, my husband said, “Honey, I don’t think that coat works well with your outfit for dinner out tonight. Why don’t you grab your lighter jacket.”  Me:“Oh! What I’m not pretty enough?”  -verbalized  …“because, I gave birth to YOUR child, am surviving on 6 hrs. of interrupted sleep a night, with no time left to shower?” – un-verbalized

Concerning this very real moment, perhaps with practice, I could have recognized that my husband was only trying to help me look & feel AMAZING on one of our few nights out! The truth? He noticed the back of my coat was bathed in baby spit-up and didn’t want me to start my evening out with the thought of having to get my coat dry-cleaned and add one more To-Do on my list.  Instead, I did a prolific job of filling in the blanks with my issues, my hang-ups, my negativity and general exhaustion!

Good thing, my man knew how to get me back on key and in harmony, by just telling me the truth about the spit up, followed by a tender kiss on the lips with a nice pat on the butt right out our back door.

I once believed Spirit was only revealed in moments we “achieved” the right thing. I get now that God hardwired the ability to experience dissonance as a spiritual alarm clock to wake up!

October 2, 2015 0 Comments
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1st Crush = Procrastination?

Today I asked for forgiveness of my first crush and he doesn’t even know…

It’s amazing, really, as I continue to practice listening to Spirit in search of mending/healing what has been broken or left me and those I share the world with in bondage.  During a coaching session last night, my dear friend, helped me uncover a correlation between “procrastination” and “my first crush”.  Wha?

I know, “how in the world could these two things be connected?”. It’s like playing 6 degrees to Kevin Bacon from Joan of Arc!  For a good number of months I had been procrastinating over just getting things done for work, taxes, house projects, etc; and with no excuse in sight.  I felt the throngs of the issue of procrastination ringing in my ears, but unaware as to how to “heal” this cycle that has plagued me for years?

Well something in this coaching session struck me.

Our conversation had been circling various concerns and issues surrounding relationships in general and with significant others, etc;  We touched on pitfalls of holding expectations of others, of using others to “amuse” us so we feel better.  In other cases how it feels to be an amusement to others and something about “using others” to get closer to the person we really wanted, struck me.  I knew I hadn’t gotten to the root issue yet to my procrastination, however, I knew something in there was leading me closer.  I was asked, what is the first memory that pops in your head, when you think on the issue of Procrastination?

I think of R—- C—-, my first crush from church camps.   The specific memory was of facing him after he asked me to go with him to campfire (through a friend, as you properly do as a tween-ager) and I replied “no” and hated myself for it.  I saw real hurt in his eyes and a reasonable confusion as ALL of my actions leading up to this point were definitely speaking to him, “I LIKE YOU”. Is there any wonder someone would feel rejected, confused, hurt, silly for asking?  And I made him feel that way!  Diminished and less than.

This morning, as a part of my yoga practice, I began meditating on my first crush and how I handled or rather didn’t handle things.  Emotions flooded me, as I recalled being 12 and always wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, wondering what kissing him might be like, and to just profess my true feelings.  But NO, I was a very shy girl when it came to these matters.  I didn’t like how all the couples seemed to be center stage at camp, and I didn’t want people always watching our every move, especially if there were going to be a a lot of “firsts” first hand holding, swapping gum, saving a seat, sharing a blanket at campfire, first kiss, etc; and so I allowed my fears to overrun my truest desires. . . and I have considered that I missed out on some amazing moments, connections,  and most of all purely loving someone I cared about. Well you must know how much purer our emotions are as young people? It’s intense!

So, God, what the heck does this have to do with procrastination?  Or rather, how does procrastination fit into those memories?

The answers poured in… I procrastinated time and time again, in taking action, to be honest about how I felt about RC and many others after him, and I suffered the natural consequences of “missing out” on many great possibilities.  As I pondered this, I realized this was my first recollection of truly “procrastinating” in any area of my life.  I had no problem signing up for sports, choir, musicals, dance, leadership roles, and anything else I felt passionate about, but in the area of love & intimacy? I would retreat, every time… for many, many years.

What I also uncovered, was that in attempts to feel closer to RC, I would use people and feign interests, or diminish the needs of others, or even myself in an attempt to get closer, but never just the direct approach of doing what was necessary to just tell him how I really felt.  This went on for years!   I’ve tried finding him or his sisters on Facebook, etc; no luck after all these years.

So as instructed, I spoke to RC’s soul/spirit this morning.  Who knows if he is dead or alive???  I invited his soul closer and I poured out my heart, my excuses, my longings, and worries and apologized for caring what others thought and giving into my fears more than my love and appreciation for him.  I asked him for forgiveness, I asked his sister for forgiveness, and our friends that I used in subtle but overt ways, selfishly in order to get or feel closer to him.

But I couldn’t forgive myself… I really felt stuck here?  Why?

And then it hit me. . .  in a weird twisted way, I have continued to procrastinate as a way to punish myself for these behaviors.  Subconsciously, I believed I deserved to “miss out”.  The same lack of action that kept me “missing out” in love and life, was the same lack of action I chose to punish myself with from that moment onward.   Strange isn’t it?  Something about understanding how I was harbouring un-forgiveness towards myself, had plagued so many choices and decisions in my life?

I forgave myself this morning…  No one deserves to miss out in life not even me.

I replaced the adopted lie I had lived out most of my life, the identity “I Am Procrastination or a procrastinator” and replaced it with “I Am taking action”.

October 1, 2015 0 Comments
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