Today I asked for forgiveness of my first crush and he doesn’t even know…
It’s amazing, really, as I continue to practice listening to Spirit in search of mending/healing what has been broken or left me and those I share the world with in bondage. During a coaching session last night, my dear friend, helped me uncover a correlation between “procrastination” and “my first crush”. Wha?
I know, “how in the world could these two things be connected?”. It’s like playing 6 degrees to Kevin Bacon from Joan of Arc! For a good number of months I had been procrastinating over just getting things done for work, taxes, house projects, etc; and with no excuse in sight. I felt the throngs of the issue of procrastination ringing in my ears, but unaware as to how to “heal” this cycle that has plagued me for years?
Well something in this coaching session struck me.
Our conversation had been circling various concerns and issues surrounding relationships in general and with significant others, etc; We touched on pitfalls of holding expectations of others, of using others to “amuse” us so we feel better. In other cases how it feels to be an amusement to others and something about “using others” to get closer to the person we really wanted, struck me. I knew I hadn’t gotten to the root issue yet to my procrastination, however, I knew something in there was leading me closer. I was asked, what is the first memory that pops in your head, when you think on the issue of Procrastination?
I think of R—- C—-, my first crush from church camps. The specific memory was of facing him after he asked me to go with him to campfire (through a friend, as you properly do as a tween-ager) and I replied “no” and hated myself for it. I saw real hurt in his eyes and a reasonable confusion as ALL of my actions leading up to this point were definitely speaking to him, “I LIKE YOU”. Is there any wonder someone would feel rejected, confused, hurt, silly for asking? And I made him feel that way! Diminished and less than.
This morning, as a part of my yoga practice, I began meditating on my first crush and how I handled or rather didn’t handle things. Emotions flooded me, as I recalled being 12 and always wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, wondering what kissing him might be like, and to just profess my true feelings. But NO, I was a very shy girl when it came to these matters. I didn’t like how all the couples seemed to be center stage at camp, and I didn’t want people always watching our every move, especially if there were going to be a a lot of “firsts” first hand holding, swapping gum, saving a seat, sharing a blanket at campfire, first kiss, etc; and so I allowed my fears to overrun my truest desires. . . and I have considered that I missed out on some amazing moments, connections, and most of all purely loving someone I cared about. Well you must know how much purer our emotions are as young people? It’s intense!
So, God, what the heck does this have to do with procrastination? Or rather, how does procrastination fit into those memories?
The answers poured in… I procrastinated time and time again, in taking action, to be honest about how I felt about RC and many others after him, and I suffered the natural consequences of “missing out” on many great possibilities. As I pondered this, I realized this was my first recollection of truly “procrastinating” in any area of my life. I had no problem signing up for sports, choir, musicals, dance, leadership roles, and anything else I felt passionate about, but in the area of love & intimacy? I would retreat, every time… for many, many years.
What I also uncovered, was that in attempts to feel closer to RC, I would use people and feign interests, or diminish the needs of others, or even myself in an attempt to get closer, but never just the direct approach of doing what was necessary to just tell him how I really felt. This went on for years! I’ve tried finding him or his sisters on Facebook, etc; no luck after all these years.
So as instructed, I spoke to RC’s soul/spirit this morning. Who knows if he is dead or alive??? I invited his soul closer and I poured out my heart, my excuses, my longings, and worries and apologized for caring what others thought and giving into my fears more than my love and appreciation for him. I asked him for forgiveness, I asked his sister for forgiveness, and our friends that I used in subtle but overt ways, selfishly in order to get or feel closer to him.
But I couldn’t forgive myself… I really felt stuck here? Why?
And then it hit me. . . in a weird twisted way, I have continued to procrastinate as a way to punish myself for these behaviors. Subconsciously, I believed I deserved to “miss out”. The same lack of action that kept me “missing out” in love and life, was the same lack of action I chose to punish myself with from that moment onward. Strange isn’t it? Something about understanding how I was harbouring un-forgiveness towards myself, had plagued so many choices and decisions in my life?
I forgave myself this morning… No one deserves to miss out in life not even me.
I replaced the adopted lie I had lived out most of my life, the identity “I Am Procrastination or a procrastinator” and replaced it with “I Am taking action”.